I hate people who lose their temper. I hate it when you shout & raise your voice to get what you want. I hate following every single thing you want me to do or be. A counceller once told me that I nv feel anger because I pile it all with all the sadness I feel instead. Instead I feel all the tears and sorrow instead of any bit of anger or resentment. Sometimes I wish I can feel angry instead of sadness. But i cannot help it, I can only hide it. The past year has not made me any better but only made me learn to hide my feelings as there is no point in showing how I feel. Nothing is going to change anytime soon. I learn to keep myself distracted and not think or talk to anyone about it. I watch tv and play games to keep my mind off it and other times I pretend I am okay with everything. How does it feel like having to pretend everything is fine everyday when it isn't? I have to. Then you even control these small things I want to do to keep my mind off. I may be feeling anger inside as well but all I know is that I'm really really unhappy about everything. Everyday. You control everything that I want and everything you make me do or want me to be is everything I don't. Sorry I'm not even close to being perfect. I don't have a single real friend here with me, I love my family but how unhappy I am is because of everything they force me to do. I'm still young and I know they're doing it all for my own good but it's hard to see it or live with it when I have to feel this way everyday. I will always know that I am feeling unhappy and lonely inside even though I don't show it. Wish there is a solution for my to feel better. Should be putting my iPod away and getting some sleep now. Sigh. So much for writing out my feelings.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009